Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
