Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
They took my balls.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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