I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize