Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
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She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
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And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
They took my balls.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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