why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
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Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
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I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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