You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
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I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
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Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize