i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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