When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
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I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
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I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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