what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize