totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize