non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
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So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
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It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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