My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
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we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
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where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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