god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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