T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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