I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
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My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Drunk is a universal language darling
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