can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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