Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
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I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
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I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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