I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
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There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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