I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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