What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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