yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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