YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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