i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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