I'm lost and stupid without you.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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