I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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