The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
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Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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