R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
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I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
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The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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