just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
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I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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