You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
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I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She bit a glass in half.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
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Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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