Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
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yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
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He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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