hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
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Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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