i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
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I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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