Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
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and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
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I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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