My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize