Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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