I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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