Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
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how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
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Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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