well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You left your phone here
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