Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
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I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
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Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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