I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We are two peas in an std pod
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
