Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
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You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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