I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
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walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
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Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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