so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
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Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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