You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
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Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
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We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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