So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
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Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
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It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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