If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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