see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
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I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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