Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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