I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
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you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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