I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
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Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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